The Lewd Rowing Coach

My second adventure with online dating came in the form of a head rowing coach from a near-by Ivy League university. We connected on a dating site. I think it might have been that same one Mr. Anthro Prof found me on. Shoulda known, apparently, that’s the site where the odd balls lurk.

The rowing coach and I agreed to meet at a Starbucks on my lunchbreak.

The first thing I noticed about rowing coach…hmm what was his name? Greg, yeah, that was it. Well, the first thing anyone would notice about Greg was that he was freakishly tall.

OK, so tall freak and I took our coffees outside. It was a gorgeous summer day. He wasn’t bad looking so I settled in and took a sip of my cappuccino. But it got weird right away. After a few minutes of small talk, he grabbed the hair at the back of my neck and pulled it hard, forcing my head to snap back as he planted an intense kiss – not good, just intense – right on my mouth.

“Hey! I don’t even know you!” I said, shoving him away. “Think I’d better go.”

I stood up, but Tall Freak grabbed my wrist.

“No wait, I’m sorry, let’s just talk. It’s just that you’re so beautiful. I couldn’t resist,” Tall Freak said.

“What a line of shit. Did you read that somewhere or is that the best you can do?”

The meaner I got the more it seemed to turn him on. Freak!

“It’s just that you’re scary,” Greg blurted out.


“Well look at you. You’ve got it all. You’re beautiful and intelligent, and I really want to get you in bed.”

“Look, you don’t know me well enough to talk to me like that, asshole.”

“Come on. Just give me a chance,” he said, loosening his grip on my wrist. “We can take it slow, if that’s the way you wanna play it, baby.”

That made my stomach turn. I picked up my keys, wrenched my wrist away from his grasp and walked away.

Later that afternoon, he sent me a text telling me what he’d like to do to me in explicit detail, involving a lot of aerobically sexual positions using bedroom furniture and his tongue as well as a few other assorted body parts I’d rather not mention. Now oddly enough, under the right circumstances, the words he wrote might have really flipped my switch if:
A. I actually liked him
B. We were in bed doing the horizontal bop
C. Or about to do the above

Instead, it was in the middle of the afternoon. I was at work. My boss, the Dragon Lady was yelling for some paperwork I didn’t have and couldn’t find, and I was late for a client meeting. Things weren’t going well that afternoon. So Tall Freak’s text just pissed me off.

You guessed it, Tall Freak had to go.

After my boss left my office, I responded to Greg’s text with something like, “Uh look, I just don’t think this is gonna work out.”


Henna Morris Written by:

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