Been running into a lot of vapid jerks lately. Maybe it’s me. I’d really like to have speaks with someone who is as direct and bullshit free as me. No pretentious fucks need apply.
Yeah, so that’s a personal ad I was thinking of posting somewhere. But not sure where. Why? Because the world seems to be full of pretentious fucks. Why waste my time?
But I’m not bitter.
Nope, I still get up and go to work every day. I’m just finding less and less meaning in the continuation. I can’t remember when it all still made sense to me. Too far back to calculate. No, I just go through the motions – smile when expected to do so, say the polite thing or even the charming thing, but sadly I find myself still doing this just to get something, love, sex, a connection, a job which equals money and the perception of freedom, or worse, power. But it’s not. In reality it’s all nothing more than hokum. Life is full of that. Wish I’d seen this sooner. I would have said, “Get stuffed!” a whole lot more often and walked away laughing.
Maybe I’m just looking for space to breathe in peace?
I think my friend Stuart, the one we all thought was crazy, really has the right idea. It’s all just crap anyway so it doesn’t really matter. Why bother trying? Think about it, most relationships are nothing more than standard, phony, malarkey. You’re trying to impress him, he’s trying to impress you. (My use of the male pronoun is only for example. Please feel free to plug in whatever gender works for you.)
But, as I said, I’m not bitter.
All of this crap just makes me see things more clearly. Face it, you’re never going to find that connection you’re so desperately seeking, so let it go. I tell myself this daily now. We never really get to know each other because most people are so damaged and fearful they no longer feel safe enough to let their guard down. Like Stuart, I have finally reached the conclusion that it might just be better to be alone. Get a few laughs where you can, complete some feeble version of the dance of the beast with two backs when you absolutely need to, but don’t expect anything more than that. That’s just the way life goes and to expect anything more is – you guessed it, just bullshit.