Accidental Almost Assassin




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Dear Zaza,
I’ve put myself in an awkward position at work, but I was just trying help. Lately, everything seemed to be going my way. My coworkers said I was a shoe-in to be promoted to the new position upper management was creating, Executive Assistant to the VP of my department. My boss said he’d recommend me for the position. He hated the VP and had no desire to work with him, so I was next in line. I was grateful that he was so supportive. I wanted to help any way I could.

Sadly, he was diagnosed with a heart condition last October. He was self-indulgent where his diet was concerned. Prior to the diagnosis, he’d eaten whatever he wanted. When he turned up with wildly high cholesterol and high blood pressure it was no surprise.

The condition revealed itself one day. He was having lunch at his desk, watching the final match of the world cup. He used to play soccer. Although his body showed no signs of having been an athlete, he was still absolutely rabid about the world cup games. We could all hear the game from his office and when Dominic Calvert-Lewin scored the only goal of the game, we thought the boss was going to choke on his Philly cheese-steak. The stadium went wild and he burst out of his office.

Shirt open, tie around his head, cheese-steak in hand, the boss made a mad dash around the cubicles in celebration. As he rounded the corner by the restrooms, he ran smack dab into Hank, who was the size of a center lineman. The impact caused my boss to seemingly swallow his arm up to his elbow, lodging the cheese-steak halfway down his throat. He clutched and clawed at his throat, unable to breathe.

“He’s choking!”

“Somebody, do something!”

Hank towered over my boss. Looking more like an assailant then savior, Hank started pounding the boss on the back in a brutal attempt to dislodge the offending obstruction, alas, to no avail. He then began the Heimlich maneuver on the boss. Did I mention he was pretty chunky?

Hank’s powerful, tree trunk arms, were bear hugging the human pillow of rotundity that was the boss’ midsection, in a Sasquach-like embrace, picking him up and squeezing his middle with an upward thrusting motion, bending him forward and back again in what looked like some sort of Greco Roman foreplay or an horrifying impersonation of man-beast rough sex, that would have been hilariously homoerotic in appearance if it hadn’t been so utterly terrifying. 

Poor George from the mailroom, only came up to deliver a letter. Now, he was curled up in the corner, weeping and shaking uncontrollably at the sight of this bloodless carnage. Hank, exuding herculean effort, was desperately shaking the boss to and fro like big ragdoll crossed with a beach ball filled with wet cement. Again and again, Hank squeezed and shook my poor boss about, his eyes bulging like a Bug-Out Bob Squeeze toy, with every devastating compression.

Seconds passed and finally, my boss’ mouth launched the bready bolder like a great gelatinous cannon, across the room for a two pointer into a potted plant. The crowd cheered. Paramedics were called for George and my boss. It was during that visit to the hospital that my boss was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat and soaring cholesterol, accompanied by bruised and broken ribs. If not for this near-death experience caused by his accidental, almost suffocation by sandwich, he would have carried on his merry way and I would never had done what I did.

Stay tuned tomorrow, for the thrilling conclusion of the Accidental Almost Assassin. You won’t want to miss one gut wrenching moment of office drama!

Zaza Napolitana Written by:

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