Accidental Almost Assassin 2



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Welcome to Part Two of the exciting workplace drama, the Accidental Almost Assassin. 

My boss was put on medication, an exercise regimen, and a very strict diet, duh!  He had been on said regimen and diet for about six months and actually showed signs of improvement, He could kind of reach his feet again and almost put on his socks normally. For him, this was huge. Previously, he used one of those sock slider things and the shoe funnel. Of late he had graduated to sitting at the end of the bed, resting his foot on the footboard and inching close enough to pull a sock on.

Recently, he started to cheat on his diet. I found a hoagie wrapper sticking out of his file cabinet. He reeked of Snickers and barbequed potato chips. He was becoming a sneaky snacker. I was determined to help him. He only did his dirty deeds at work. His wife watched him at home. I found his stashes and covered my tracks by taking the indulgences but leaving the wrappers. I hoped he would think he had already eaten his ill-gotten goodies and just forgot.

This worked but only for a short time. He quickly caught on and a dark game of cat and mouse began to play out between us. He never knew who was taking his snacks, but it started to pray on his mind. His stress level slowly began to rise. When he went into his office and didn’t find what he was looking for, he stood in his doorway, glaring. He’d scan the area, trying to determine who the culprit was.

Last week he went into his office. Reaching into the back of his desk drawer, he pulled out a sleeve of Baby Ruth minis, full of empty wrappers. He went berserk and started cursing. We heard furniture and glass breaking, and then a loud thud. Hank was able to force the door open. He found my boss face down on the floor next to his desk which had been partially demolished and was hanging half way out the window of his second-floor office. The paramedics were again called for my boss and George as well, again. The poor bastard had just left the building and was headed to his car for a dental appointment when half of my boss’ desk came crashing through the window directly over his head. They found George cowering like a deranged cat under a car in the handicap spot where he dove after being showered in broken glass.

This is really a shame since George had just finished his counseling sessions from the last incident involving my boss. I’m pretty sure he’ll be on disability now.

My boss survived, just barely. He’s in ICU and being encouraged to retire.

Here’s where it gets sticky. Joyce, my boss’ secretary, figured out it was me taking the snacks. The thing that makes it look bad is, right before all this food drama started, that prick of a VP hired someone else for the position I was recommended for, an attractive red head from accounting. Now Joyce thinks I was gas lighting my boss because I was angry about not getting the job and tried to get him out of the way for my own advancement. I see her talking to people and looking at me with disdain. People are shunning me. They didn’t even let me sign the get well soon card for my boss. 

What the hell do I do now?

The Accidental Almost Assassin


Dear Triple A,

First off, WTF?!  Have you lost your mind? You seriously thought this was a good idea?  The man has a heart condition. So, by all means, gas light him and make him think he is eating stuff without remembering. Oh yeah, that makes sense. I’m afraid you’re screwed dude. If you try to explain your true intentions to Joyce now, she probably won’t believe you, nor will anyone else. You’re tainted, damaged goods.

Your options are:
A. Cut and run or

B. Go to your boss, explain your actions and your true intentions, and hope for the best. If you choose the latter I suggest you wait for a time when his wife is not present, so you don’t out him about sneaking snacks unless she already knows.

Good Luck, you’re gonna need it,

Zaza Napolitana Written by:

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